Author: Trellis

Grantham isn’t anywhere near Islay

Mr Porch,

I can only assume that either your knowledge of geography is truly appalling, especially for a diplomat, or that you haven’t actually clicked on that link you sent me. Please do so and note that the resulting screen is entitled:

“Visit a Western Union® agent location near Grantham, United Kingdom to send or receive money, purchase a money order, or pay bills.”

GRANTHAM Mr Porch, GRANTHAM. Grantham isn’t anywhere near Islay, it isn’t even in Scotland, it is in England. Not only that, it is the birth place of that mad Thatcher woman, which may be why the name stuck in your mind.

Try searching for a Western Union Office with my postcode, Mr Porch. It is, as you will remember PA48 7NP.

here, I’ll do it for you:

http://locations.westernunion.com/…//isle+of+islay…

Look at the map Mr Porch, see the Island of Islay? Where I live and am currently storm-bound. Now show me a Western Union Office on Islay.

Really Mr Lord Porch, if Mrs Mohd’s was not such a dear friend I would have dismissed you for being the incompetent you undoubtedly are and hired someone more capable.

Now, shall I post the money to you or do you have any more bright ideas?

Trellis.

wrap the money securely in brown paper and post it?

  • subject: Stuck in Islay
  • From: trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk
  • Date: Tue, December 9, 2014 12:45 pm
  • To: “Dipl. LORD PORCH” <shippingagent_co@diplomats.com>
  • Cc: “Zahrah Mohd’s” <zarrmm005@outlook.com>

Dear Mr Porch,

as you will have gathered from Mrs Mohd’s, I am stuck on Islay until the storms subside – http://status.calmac.info/service-status-details.aspx…

I gather that you would like me to send the money by Western Union, but that may be a problem. I have searched on-line and as far as I can see there are no Western Union offices on Islay. Please check for yourself, I would be happy to be wrong.

I still think that the best idea would be for me to wrap the money securely in brown paper and post it to your home address in Liverpool.

Unless I hear to the contrary I shall do that this afternoon.

Kind Regards,

Ethel.

Contact Mr. Porch now

  • Subject: RE: I have hit a slight snag
  • From: “Zahrah Mohd’s” <zarrmm005@outlook.com>
  • Date: Tue, December 9, 2014 12:24 pm
  • To: “trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk” <trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk>

Dear Ethel Trellis,

Contact Mr. Porch now, he will send you information to make the transfer through western union immediately, very urgent.

Mrs. Zahrah Mohd’s.

all sailings have been cancelled

My Dear Mrs Mohd’s

I have just returned from the ferry terminal at Port Ellen. It is very windy, all sailings have been cancelled for today.

http://status.calmac.info/service-status-details.aspx…

As you will see from that link “A review will be made later this afternoon with regards tomorrows sailings but again it is looking highly unlikely that there will be any sailings carried out at all due to the impending adverse forecast for the next couple of days.”

So I appear to be stuck on Islay for at least a day or two, which is a pity because I was looking forward to a night out in Glasgow, I haven’t been there since I was attached to the catering corps (seafood section) during the last war of independence.

As for getting some money to Mr Lord Porch, I have had a brilliant idea, I could post it to Lord Porch’s home address – what do you think?

I’m sorry to cause you further distress, but there really isn’t anything I can do about the weather.

Kind Regards,

Ethel.

May Allah bless.

  • Subject: RE: I have hit a slight snag
  • From: “Zahrah Mohd’s” <zarrmm005@outlook.com>
  • Date: Tue, December 9, 2014 8:36 am
  • To: “trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk” <trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk>

Dear Ethel Trellis,

Thank you so kindly for this plans you executed to ensure that the arrangement is concluded today without any more delays. I will definitely appreciate your effort when i come to meet with you in Scotland.

May Allah bless.

Mrs. Zahrah Mohd’s.

please do not fail

  • Subject: Re: I have hit a slight snag
  • From: “Dipl. LORD PORCH” <shippingagent_co@diplomats.com>
  • Date: Mon, December 8, 2014 6:57 pm
  • To: trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk

Attn: Ethel,

Since the situation is like this in your city, i have accepted your idea of travelling to Glasgow to make the transfer because the custom have been calling me regards to this payment today, i have to inform the custom to exercise patience for my client because she is having problems to transfer the money from her city and i also informed the custom to expect the payment tomorrow latest as confirm by my

client, please do not fail about this payment tomorrow to avoid facing custom penalties

I wait for the confirmation tomrrow.

Mr. Lord Porch.

ooh my, this IS exciting.

  • Subject: RE: I have hit a slight snag
  • From: trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk
  • Date: Mon, December 8, 2014 3:00 pm
  • To: “Zahrah Mohd’s” <zarrmm005@outlook.com>

Dear Mrs Mohd’s

I shall leave for Glasgow as soon as possible. I will have to arrange for someone to look after Chester, I can probably ask Mrs Naughtie to pop in twice a day, she isn’t easily shocked. I’ll get the bus to the ferry port at Port Ellen for the 09:45 ferry tomorrow (Tuesday). That gets in about midday then it’s a simple matter of a 3 hour bus journey to Glasgow.

ooh my, this IS exciting.

I’ll let you know how I get on.

Kind Regards,

Ethel

leave immediately to Glasgow

  • Subject: RE: I have hit a slight snag
  • From: “Zahrah Mohd’s” <zarrmm005@outlook.com>
  • Date: Mon, December 8, 2014 12:52 pm
  • To: “trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk” <trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk>

Dear Ethel Trellis,

kindly do all u can to make money get to Mr Lord Porch today so that the box can be cleared,am sorry for the insult from McDonald,do leave immediately to Glasgow i need that box to be clear today my mind has not been at rest ever since when you get Glasgow tell the post man you are sending money to a business partner to avoid

further problems.

Mrs Zahrah Mohd’s.

I have hit a slight snag

  • Subject: I have hit a slight snag
  • From: trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk
  • Date: Mon, December 8, 2014 10:52 am
  • To: zarrmm005@outlook.com
  • Cc: “Dipl. LORD PORCH” <shippingagent_co@diplomats.com>

Dear Mrs Mohd’s

Please try not to worry, I am sure that we will get your box delivered eventually, but I have encountered a small problem.

As you will be aware Islay is a small island, and the trouble with small islands is that everyone knows everyone else’s business. I have just returned from the Bowmore Post Office where I had hoped to be able to transfer the money without interference from Mr McDonald. I bid Mr McInley a cheery good morning only to be called a “silly old fool” (yet again) and be told that I wouldn’t be sending money to strange foreign gentlemen from Mr McInleys’s Post Office. It seems that Mr McDonald has been speaking to Mr McInley and warned him to expect a visit from me. What is the matter with these people?

I am beginning to think that my only option for getting this money transferred is to take a ferry to the mainland and then a bus to Glasgow where my doings might not be so closely watched.

I have copied Mr Lord Porch in on this email, any advice would be welcome.

Yours in struggle,

Ethel.