Author: Trellis

All I have left is £40 and a cream egg…

My Dear Mrs Mohd’s,

I cannot apologize enough, I have behaved in a disgraceful manner, I have no excuses and can only say that I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you and your box.

I am writing this from an internet cafe in Glasgow. I caught the 6:30 PM ferry on Thursday as planned. The crossing was very rough and I had a few large gins to steady my nerves. Arriving safely on the mainland I caught the bus to Glasgow and arranged accommodation. Feeling somewhat thirsty after the trip, I went to the Brew Dog pub, planning on just having a swift nightcap. Unfortunately, after a few glasses of Tactical Nuclear Penguin, I fell into conversation with a crowd of local pensioners and after still more drinks we decided to go to a club.

It certainly wasn’t the sort of club one gets on Islay, there was loud music, flashing lights, very expensive brandy and lots of cocaine. That is the last thing I remember until I woke up in my motel room two hours ago. Most of the money is gone, I know I spent a large amount on drink and drugs and the rest I must have just squandered. All I have left is £40 and a cream egg. I have no idea where the cream egg came from.

I haven’t written to Mr Lord Porch yet, do you suppose it is worthwhile for me to suggest that I send a deposit of £40, just to give us time to work out our next move?

Once again, I must apologize for this uncharacteristic and disgraceful behaviour, rest assured we WILL get your box delivered.

Kind Regards,

Ethel

I fear the cream egg may have been a step too far, nothing further was heard from Mr Lord Porch or Mrs Mohd’s.

Mrs T goes silent for a couple of days until Mrs Mohd’s can’t wait any longer..

  • Subject: RE: The Storm has abated
  • From: “Zahrah Mohd’s” <zarrmm005@outlook.com>
  • Date: Sat, December 13, 2014 9:38 am
  • To: “trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk” <trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk>

Dear Ethel Trellis,

I am so surprise and disappointed by your act of deception, you should have informed me earlier that you do not have the capability to handle this transaction rather than allowing me to ship this cash box to London after our agreement and be left stocked in London airport without minding my situation and how i will feel in this disappointment.

I am not really happy with this act from you because i could not sleep over the night when i received mail from Mr. Porch due to this problem in London. Just think about what you are doing to me.

Mrs. Zahrah Mohd’s.

Give me the money!!!

  • Subject: Re: The Storm has abated
  • From: “Dipl. LORD PORCH” <shippingagent_co@diplomats.com>
  • Date: Thu, December 11, 2014 6:29 pm
  • To: trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk

Attn: Ethel Trellis,]

Please when you get to Glasgow, kindly transfer the money through Money Gram not Western Union with the details below,

MONEY GRAM TRANSFER INFORMATION BELOW,

Receivers Name: Lord Porch

Location: 120, Belmont Road Liverpool.

Country: United Kingdom

Amount: 2,265.00 pounds sterling

Immediately the fee is paid, notify me by sending the MONEY GRAM reference

informations or payment slip via email attachment.

Please do forward a scan copy of your passport or identity card for easy identification.

Yours faithfully,

Diplomat,

Mr. Lord Porch.

London UK.

The Storm has abated

  • Subject: The Storm has abated
  • From: trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk
  • Date: Thu, December 11, 2014 2:51 pm
  • To: “Zahrah Mohd’s” <zarrmm005@outlook.com>
  • Cc: “Dipl. LORD PORCH” <shippingagent_co@diplomats.com>

Dear Mrs Mohd’s

I’m pleased to say that things are getting back to what passes for normal in these parts. There is a ferry at 6:30 this evening so I shall catch that. This will mean that I will be arriving in Glasgow rather late so will need to find overnight accommodation. I will then be in a position to find a Western Union Agent first thing tomorrow morning.

I will let you know as soon as the money is transferred, I’m sure there won’t be any more hiccups.

I have also copied this email to Mr Lord Porch so as to keep him “in the loop”.

Kind Regards,

Ethel Trellis (Mrs).

i am absolutely very worried about all this delay

  • Subject: RE: I have hit a slight snag
  • From: “Zahrah Mohd’s” <zarrmm005@outlook.com>
  • Date: Thu, December 11, 2014 6:19 am
  • To: “trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk” <trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk>

Dear Ethel Trellis,

I have not received any confirmation from you after my last mail, i hope all is well with the arrangement, please kindly update me the situation report because i am absolutely very worried about all this delay for the clearance of the box.

Thank you, waiting for your responds.

Mrs. Zahrah Mohd’s.

I understood the situation in Islay

  • subject: Re: Stuck in Islay
  • From: “Dipl. LORD PORCH” <shippingagent_co@diplomats.com>
  • Date: Wed, December 10, 2014 7:23 pm
  • To: trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk

Attn: Ethel Trellis,

I understood the situation in Islay, i have spoken to the custom about this delay, maybe the custom will look into the demur rage and see how it can be wave out as soon as you can hasten up to make the transfer before friday so that your box can be retrieve from the airport to avoid the custom not to insist to impose the demur rage.

Mr. Lord Porch.

my somewhat hasty reply yesterday

Dear Mr Lord Porch,

Thank you for your email. I entirely agree that Glasgow is the only sensible suggestion. Please accept my apologies for my somewhat hasty reply yesterday, I was under a great deal of pressure, being very concerned for my good friend Mrs Mohd’s.

Unfortunately the storm continues to worsen, many of the Islands are now without electricity and enormous waves are battering the breakwater just across the road from Whelk Cottage. There will be no ferries today, I am hoping that things will have improved by tomorrow.

As to the “demur rage” , Mr Thomson only lends in multiples of £1000, so I had to borrow £3000. I therefore have a small amount of cash in reserve for such an eventuality.

I will let you know as soon as I can catch a ferry, you can follow the state of the services from that calmac link I sent you and the bbc weather site will give you a good idea of the current conditions.

Kind Regards,

Ethel Trellis (Mrs)

to avoid excess demur rage

  • Subject: Re: Stuck in Islay
  • From: “Dipl. LORD PORCH” <shippingagent_co@diplomats.com>
  • Date: Wed, December 10, 2014 6:27 am
  • To: trellis@welshwhelks.co.uk

Attn: Ethel,

I think the best option is for you to travel to Glasgow to transfer the money through Money Gram because i have searched through western union to confirm closest location in your city, i could not find any, please understand that delay in this transfer is attracting demur rage from the custom, you should kindly do your best today or tomorrow to transfer the money through Money Gram in Glasgow to avoid excess demur rage.

Mr. Lord Porch.

are you simply an idiot?

Mr Porch,

Are you trying to wind me up or are you simply an idiot? That last link you sent is the search page for WU offices in the UK. I have already confirmed that there are no Western Union offices on Islay. There will be plenty in Glasgow. There are some a few miles across the ocean in Northern Ireland. There are none on Islay.

Let me put this as simply as I can.

1/ There are NO WESTERN UNION OFFICES ON ISLAY.

2/ If you don’t believe me then use the WU office search, but SEARCH FOR OFFICES ON OR NEAR ISLAY. Grantham or UK won’t help.

3/ I am presently on ISLAY, which is an ISLAND, off the West coast of Scotland.

4/ I cannot leave Islay today, or possibly for the next few days due to severe storms.

5/ If you send me another fatuous email with a link to a map with Western Union offices that are not on Islay then I’m afraid I will not be responsible for my actions.

6/ There are NO WESTERN UNION OFFICES ON ISLAY.

Trellis.